Why I Need Solitude

I needed solitude. But it wasn't going to be easy for me. TheLord would have to shout it at me and maybe even push me into it. And that'sexactly what He did. 

“For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.”

Jeremiah 31:25

On the first day of my summer, a new friend told me "Lexie, your heart needs healing."

My immediate response was, "I do not need healing. My heart is doing just fine." 

But it wasn’t. My heart was very tired. And now, I'm starting to think that maybe he wasn't totally wrong. 

When I was in Orlando, I heard a woman share her story of moving into an encounter with God. This encounter she had felt so familiar to me. It felt really real to me. It felt so real that I'm confident this is what broke me.

She was striving hard for ministry. But she had to admit herprayer life was struggling. She made some decisions, on her own. After a fewmonths, she was done herself. Her soul was tired.She didn't want to be there anymore. She just needed the Lord to do something.The situation had brought her real pain. And God showed up. In the middle ofthe night, God woke her up, and said, "Wake up. It's time." Shethought to herself, ‘Time for what?’

 Sheprayed for awhile and then went back to sleep. The next night, the same thinghappened. God woke her up saying, "Wake up. It's time." She respondedapologetically that she was just too tired. In that moment, her babygirl started to cry. And she immediately got up and ran to the hallway. In thehallway, the Lord stopped her: "Stop. Stop. Right there. That is what Iwant from you. That you would run to me when I call to you."

My eyes welled up in tears. I could just sense this is whatthe Lord wanted from me. The Lord was speaking to me through her encounter. Icould sense him telling me that it is time.

Wake up. It's time.

I sensed the wrestling fears and thoughts that I had with my life and ministry. I didn't really sense the tiredness of my heart. I mean, there wasn't really anything about my life or relationships that was depleting me. But sometimes we become weary over time. Ministry is hard. I don't want us to sugarcoat it. I am tired from ministry. I am tired from serving. I spent two years in a job that I absolutely loved. I want you to hear that. But, the reality is that we can still get fatigue from giving and from empathy itself. This moment was the beginning of awakening. But, I actually didn't quite get it. I left that place, thinking about how good it was. And I even went to take a nap.

But I still didn't get it.

God was trying to tell me, “Wake up. It is time.”

But this would not be the last time the Lord would speak about this.

I dealt with the pieces of grief in my life. But I didn't think through and address everything. My position caused me to act differently. I was empathizing with everyone else without actually addressing my own heart. I was attending to everyone else’s needs.

It’s finals week. It’s graduation week. It’s move outs.

But, then all of a sudden, it’s the middle of the summer, andmy heart is pleading for rest. A new environment doesn’t always mean everythinggets settled emotionally. This summer actually had a twist of its own, and itheightened my emotions because I was so far from everything I knew. My heart isaching. I buried the needs of my heart way down. But that meant I was alsopushing the center of my heart out. I wasn't living in relationship with theLord anymore.

Severaldays after Orlando, I would sense a lot of weariness. It would begin to affecta few of my relationships. Did I get it now?

I didn't.

So, theLord had his work cut out for him because I just wasn't getting it.

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind."

- Caroline Myss

The Lord had been calling me into solitude from Day 1. But I wasn't paying attention. He was leading me into the spacious place, but I neglected to understand what that really meant. Well, that was until two weeks ago. He brought it up again and I finally started to get it.

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. (Psalm 18:19, NIV)

Thedefinition of spacious is "vast or ample in extent." Another word forthis is "roomy." This is a roomy place. My heart was in a bit of acramped space, and it was looking for more room.The Hebrew word for"spacious" is ravach. It means "to breathefreely, to revive, to have ample room, to be refreshed." Wow. This is whatI have needed. The Lord knew what He was doing. I didn't know I needed aspacious place, but the Lord promised it to me long before I came toAnn Arbor. The Lord made this spacious place available. He knew what I needed.He led me away from the community I knew and connected with to learn to be withjust myself. He was revealing His truth. He led me to this place to give myheart a break. He wanted to make space in my heart for healing. When almosteverything has fought to drain my joy, He has called me to meet with Him and berefreshed.

It is time to let go, My Daughter.

Why now? Why this spacious place?

Like the woman I mentioned, I was telling the Lord he needed to do something. He needed to show up in my life because I was at the end. I came to Ann Arbor to move on from this past year and to learn what to do next. I was seeking direction and discernment for the future. I believed this spacious place was vision and clarity.

I wrote more.I read more. I cultivated more hobbies. I filled my time with schedules andmeetings and responsibilities. I buried my heart and covered it in busyness. Ieven found a job that occupied my evenings and weekends.

I had given myself and hadn't loved myself well. But no one really needed to know that. I was tired of pain. I was tired of grief. I was tired of change. I was tired of being the giver, but that is the only thing I could do well. But I wasn't even doing that well. You can't really give to others if your well is dry. The Lord was calling:

Come near. Run to me. I will fill you.

The Lord knewdifferently. No, daughter. This spacious place is most definitely rest. AndI would finally get it. He would push me to it. But it would happen. It justneeded to be His words. His voice redirecting my mind. My soul and heart knewthey were tired. They knew how to heal, but the mind needed convincing.

Willyou listen now? You matter to me. Your emotions, your opinions, how you feel,your pain, and what you think. I do not reject you. I do not ignore you or pushaway? Why do you do that to yourself? Why do you run from your feelings andpush away your desires?

Youput your heart away because you think you are too needy. You're afraid to giveit what it needs. You push it down. When it's heavy, you keep busy, keepmoving. Your heart gets buried.

ButI know your heart. Your heart is the center of where I am. You matter. It istime to pay attention to your heart and give it to me. I will enable you to seeit. You are complex and beautiful. I want to restore and heal you. Let's take ajourney to your heart. I will show you how to love your own self by letting melove you.

I quit my jobthis week.

I kind of wondered if I should have even pursued it at all. I haven't been in a season where I haven't been working. This isn't about needing a job, but about the need to be working. It is the need to be busy. There is a difference. I needed rest. I needed to be with just myself, sitting with my pain, making room for my heart to be. I prayed for rest. I prayed for this season. I asked the Lord for guidance. But, I wasn't patient enough to sit and actually listen for his answer. To sit and tarry was not apart of my plan. I wasn't fully living with him. I wasn't attached to him. I wasn't abiding. 

The question is why? 

Honestly I just wanted to quit. I wanted to retreat because this was a rough season, and I don't think I fully admitted that. I was coming to a new place, ready for renewal. But it didn't happen immediately like it should have. 

No. It wasn't until a late mid-summer evening, sitting in my car, and all the tears began to flow. This isn't just sadness. This is pain, hurt, regret, and pure grief over all of the things that happened. All of the pain that I just can't hold in my heart anymore seeping out of my eyes. And once it started, I couldn't make it stop. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore and then I took a big exhale and felt all of the weariness around me. I exhaled:

God, I cannot do this.

Be still, my daughter.

God, how much longer?

Be still, my daughter.

God?

Yes, my daughter?

What do you long to do?

I long to be with you. I am yours andyou are mine. I am standing next to you. I am with you in the refining.

Abba Father, bring me close.

This could be called the second wave of grief. But, maybe for me, this was a little of both waves. Grief shows me the gaping hole that it leaves. In my case, the gaping holes it would leave. These holes will become more and more evident the more we try to move on in our lives. These holes make grief hard and life even harder. These holes remind us of what is good, but also of what has changed. And these holes show love and tears in the same moment. They make moving on hard and the aftershock of grief becomes real.

And now, I'm wondering, ‘Why am I tired?’ I mean, why wouldn't I be tired? A heart that always understands also gets tired.

It was on this drive with tears in my eyes that I realized this is a relationship and I haven't been living in relationship with my Father. But he enjoys doing life with me. ‘To be love is to be loved by him.’

I will show you how to love your ownself by letting me love you.

All of a sudden something shifted. I heard it. I finally got it.

I want you to run to me when I call to you. Do you get it now? Do you see how much I love you? I love spending time with you. I love your heart.

My best friend sent me this picture to help me to remember I need to take time to myself. It is actually a mantra that I hold onto. I always feel like people are safe to be with me, but maybe I'm not safe to be with me. I graciously give my time to others. It is time to be gracious to myself and give that time for myself.

This next year is going to be about me. Taking time to be with myself and for myself. A tiny part of me thinks this is really selfish. But the other part (the weary part) says, it is time. It is time for a season of solitude. This solitude is more about being. This solitude is centered on God and centered in communion.

And quite frankly, I’m going to need the people who love me the most to stand by me and help me to love myself well and not leave myself behind.

My heart needs healing. My heart needs to make more room. I need my spirit to be liberated. I need my self to be empowered. I need to be reminded of His companionship, the power of his loving embrace. I need clarity restored about myself and my relationship with Him. I need His wisdom for days to come. I need Him again and again and again. I am asking to be renewed, restored, and rejuvenated. I am asking to be freed to know myself and be known by him.

This will be a year of receiving. This will be a year of abiding. This will be a year of loving myself. You might even say that this will be a "Marie Kondo" kind of year.

Does this bring me joy?

Does this relationship give me life?

What do I love?

Anything that is draining needs to go. I choose to say no to those things.

This spaciousplace is solitude and it is beautiful. What is this solitude teaching me? To besafe with myself. To be restful with myself. To be true to myself. To be freewith myself. This solitude is teaching me to give room for my heart to heal. Itis about sitting deeply with the Lord. Solitude is abiding, being, sitting,receiving. Solitude is hearing the Lord’s voice over my own. It is letting himlove me so I learn to love myself.

"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring." (Isaiah 58:11)