He is Kind

       Inside of my heart, God spoke. He didn't speak in an audible voice, but His presence overwhelmed me and I knew He was speaking to my heart. He was asking me, "Do you want to be healed?" What kind of question is that? Of course, I'd like to be healed. Hearing it again and again: "Do you want to be healed?" and again "Why haven't you asked?" This was when I took one of those deep gulps. Deep down inside of me, I wished I could be healed. But inner fear was paralyzing me.        At this particular moment, there was an invitation to go up to the altar and be anointed with oil and prayed over for healing. I just remember running toward the front in this moment. It really wasn't until after the initial anointing that I came to realize what just happened. And I started to ask, "What did I just do?" I stepped out in faith. I wish I could end it here and say that I have been faithful and persistent to pray ever since this special moment. But I have to be honest that this is not what happened. However, I gradually stopped praying and instead of personally praying healing over myself, I turned those prayers onto people in my life who were in need of wholeness. It's not like God couldn't heal both of us. And it's not like there is anything that is too hard for Him. Yet, I prioritized the different healings, placing mine at the very bottom.      There would be times where I could sense that I should pray for personal healing and I would pursue it. But anytime I sensed this, it seemed it would solely follow a bad day or a hard struggle with the disease. Because when you live with Type 1 Diabetes, it is a daily love and hate relationship. Therefore, it never felt like I was sincerely convicted to pursue healing.                What do I have to fear?               God carries me               God cares for me and thinks of me in the kindest way.      But I let doubts and the "what if" situations cloud my judgment and discernment in prayer. It wasn't until settling into this first semester at Asbury that the thought of healing started to make its reappearance. I was still praying for others to be healed and as time passed God did touch and heal one of these persons. It was one of the most beautiful acts of His mercy. It was in this time that there were things that God begin to reveal to me. And again, not audibly, but God began to tell me, "Do you believe that I can do this for you?" And everything about this moment made me want to scream "Yes!"        For the first time I saw the first look of His mercy and kindness toward those He loves. I couldn't help but think that this pursuit of healing needed to begin. God definitely began to show off and shared a few other 'miracles' with me just so He could get my attention. He brought to me friends to walk with me in all of my endeavors. I also received a full scholarship for seminary education. It was through this blessing that I sensed him telling and showing me that He is taking care of me. He was speaking once again, "Do you really believe that nothing is too hard for Me?" Let me just say that this was probably the defining moment where I knew who God was to me. He is kind, loving, and goes above and beyond to show His love to us.  He stepped further than He needed to, but it was necessary so I could understand that He is carrying me through. I was recognizing how much I need to depend on Him as my Strength in this time.  I was more interested in self-sufficiency than allowing God to restore me in the way He pleased.                Diabetes taught me how to hold onto God               The pursuit of healing is teaching me that God holds onto me.

          Recently, I had been led to draw near to Him through a period of fasting, but felt sorrowful when my heart felt less committed to the fast. At first, all I could think of was inadequacy and failure. For, God called me into fasting, and I can't seem to fulfill this one thing. But now I have come to realize the deep desire for fasting is still present. This particular fast was finished because I learned what God led me to learn. I learned the greatness of His power. And now I was being drawn to learn what it truly means to crave Him. 

          God was revealing to me that I learned exactly what I was supposed to learn. I recognized him as Lord AND Healer. I have pondered what His mighty power overwhelming me actually means, and this was His purpose. It was not anything huge. But it was a small act that made a big difference. I have come to truly see Him and all because I was obedient to this simple act of worship. There is no other God like Him. No one else who feels so near. No other God who uses the smallest things to reveal His presence in the biggest ways. I can feel strong in my inadequacy because of what He shows me.           For 21 days I was led into a sugar fast in order to learn what it might mean to crave God and make Him my absolute delight. The whole purpose of a fast is intended to make ourselves satisfied in Him. But I found the whole thing sounding a bit ridiculous. Here I am, a Diabetic, giving up sugar for 21 days. That seems like a contrasting statement. Sugar helps to keep my body intact. And honestly I don’t really intake sugar regularly because of the way my body processes it. But I was convicted that this is where God was leading me. It was harder than I thought, but I gradually felt like I was changing. The craving I initially had for God was beginning to be met. I recognized this because as I approached the last week of the fast, I didn’t really want it to end. This was a beautiful recognition because at the start of the 21 days all I could think about was what I was missing. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed sugar, even if it becomes a hindrance to me because of my disease. I realized I didn’t have an addiction to food particularly. I did, however, see how I wished I could have the same comfort in food that others did.  I recognized the uneasiness I had for food and sugar combined. I couldn’t help but see numbers on food. God wants me to delight in Him but He also wants me to take pleasure in His food, which are also His gifts.        Now I’m walking with God, engaging in this continuous conversation with God about healing and being hidden in His power. The song that runs around in my mind is ‘Miracles.’ The phrase ‘Your life runs through my veins.’ is repeatedly sung in my heart because this is what this particular pursuit of fasting has taught me. I’ve felt and recognized how God’s life is literally running through my veins, and He is about to do something new and amazing. So I am looking up, utterly amazed, in readiness for what is yet to come.  

Miracles

(Kari Jobe)

The One who made the blind to see

Is moving here in front of me

Moving here in front of me

The One who made the deaf to hear

Is silencing my every fear

Silencing my every fear

Chorus

I believe in You

I believe in You

You're the God of miracles

The One who does impossible

Is reaching out to make me whole

Reaching out to make me whole

The One who put death in its place

His life is flowing through my veins

Life is flowing through my veins

Chorus

The God who was and is to come

The power of the Risen One

The God who brings the dead to life

You're the God of miracles

The God of miracles

The God who was and is to come

The power of the Risen One

The God who brings the dead to life

You're the God of miracles

The God of miracles!