Fear Has No Room Here.

     Four years ago, I stepped into my first battle. I was sitting in a chair and was shown how to prick my fingers for the first time. All I really wanted to do was close my eyes and wake up from this dream. Because it felt so unreal. I just wanted to wake up. I wanted things to be normal. My parents were there together with me, almost as sad as I was. The next day I watched them walk out my apartment door and I never felt so alone. They wouldn't be there helping me. I was alone. They could pretend to sympathize, but they'd never fully understand. It was just me. This was my disease. This was now my battle.

    For three and a half years I was fighting this battle against my body every day. One that doesn’t end, and has no breaks. I keep fighting even when I’m tired, weak, or when I feel I’ve had enough. I fought for my health in more ways than others could ever understand. My thought was I would do this until there was a cure.

   But God.

   But God has said no more. But God declares there is victory. But God says no more. 5 months ago, God said this would no longer be my battle. So I handed Him the last piece—my insulin pump. I handed him all of the control—my blood sugars are now in His hands. And now, today I’m handing him my whole self. I'm handing him my whole body and health.

     It’s not easy. Each day I wake up (alive and breathing) but facing all the fears all over again. What if this isn’t working? What if God lets me down? What if I don't wake up? What if I’m slowly or even rapidly killing my body? It’s scary. But in order to surrender all I must be willing to give 100%. But this 100% means God is on my side, helping me. I am not alone. So, maybe it isn’t as scary anymore.

“It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.”

      Healing isn't easy. Sometimes I think we do one of two things in regards to healing. We either underestimate the power of it actuality. Or we beautify it so much that we forget its aftermath or its repercussions. It puts a toll on a person's life. It interrupts our life including the tousling of our emotions. And honestly, there are very few people who comprehend healing. No one defines it the same, so it's really difficult to talk about. Healing is a process. And, for me, it is a long process. I have to learn to trust in the slow work of God.

     I ask the Lord and myself "Why are you downcast O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" The answer? Healing is difficult. And right now I am beginning to struggle with the fear that surrounds me. The fear of self-sacrifice. The fear of self-denial. The fear of future repercussions.

    Fear challenges our contentment, it sucks the joy out of our lives.

 "If we hang on too tightly because of fear, and we guard our lives with such a vengeance, we will protect, squeeze, cuddle, and shelter the life right out of our lives. We will miss what God wants to do through us. We lose by trying to save our lives."

       Today I read Mark 10. Jesus asks the blind man, "What do you want Me to do for you?" The blind man said to him, "Rabboni, that I may receive my sight." But, before the man even approaches Jesus, he throws aside his garment. In this time, the outer garment is sometimes long and becomes a hindrance to active exercise. This garment was in the way of him quickly approaching Jesus.  

      I've been asking God for wisdom and revelation recently. I felt like God was speaking by asking me this same question.

     "What do you want Me to do for you?"

      My answer to Him is the same as this blind man. "I want to receive my sight." Yet, I also feel that I need to throw aside my garment of fear in order to run to Jesus and fully receive His healing.

     So my answer to the Lord today is: "I want to receive my sight. I want to receive Your sight. I want peace and confidence to the things that are happening. Peace in Your will and that You know exactly what I need."

      My Father knows exactly what I need, and He has promised to provide all of it. My security rests in finding fulfillment in His Presence and in His life alone. There are going to be difficult days. Some days will be harder than others. And there will be times where it will be too much for me to handle. But the Lord is with me. This is not my battle anymore for the Lord has taken it. He has promised we can handle anything together.