El Roi - The God Who Sees Me.
Everyone keeps asking me how I have felt about my most recent ordination. Do I feel any different? What was it like? And it’s hard to express this experience through a simple answer. This experience was definitely more than I could have anticipated or imagined. And I knew I needed to write it down to fully explain it to the world. But I mostly needed to write it all down for myself to record and remember in moments whenever I feel discouraged in ministry. Because I know this will occur a time or two.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.
Ephesians 3:20
Have you ever just wondered to yourself, "Wow only God could do that?" This was me during this immense moment of being consecrated and set apart for God’s work in overseeing His church. It is such a confirmation of becoming united with Christ as the branch is connected to the vine. A true representation of abiding in God in His work.
There have been so many things that have occurred within this season. Things that none of us could have anticipated or imagined. In all of the ways that I envisioned this day to occur, I have to say it still exceeded my expectation. I have to admit I had low expectations for what this might look like. I was definitely in this place where anything would have been welcomed, and that was the case for this. I thought this day would be so wonderful and so sweet and so holy. I also imagined that this day would be celebrated with my family along my side. Even this looked a bit different.
I just prayed that this day would still become special to me. I just prayed that I would be surrounded by the Lord’s presence. I prayed that I would feel His divine comfort. That I would feel loved and seen by Him in this day. That all disappointments would wash away, and I would be able to see Him in all of this. To be seen by God and to know that He is for me in this season has been a prayer of my heart for such a long time. Maybe it is a prayer of yours as well. But I couldn’t have put this day together in better detail than he did. This is why He is God and I am not. It was beautifully amazing.
As I drove to the church for the service, I found myself just pondering this moment in my heart. I had this thought of Christ and the Church. What does it mean for the church to become family? What does it look like to be married to the Church in this way? What does the relationship and covenant between God and His church look like and how is this represented in my life today? This thought was just so intriguing to me. And I felt led to just pray that over myself. I prayed this would be realized for me. I drove in joyful anticipation toward this moment. I reminded myself how I don't need to be approved by anyone but God. And that is exactly what happened.
There were so many nerves that I had in going into this moment. It was difficult to be asked about my family. But it was beautiful to see the church visibly come and surround me as my family. One of my favorite pastoral couples were present and filled in as my family. He was a mentor to me at the beginning of this ordination journey. He was one of the first people in my life to affirm my calling and my gift of preaching. I lived with them for an entire summer while I interned at his church, and they have become my family. I invited him to stand with me as I received this blessing to become an elder in God’s church. This was a full circle moment, and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to stand next to me and fill that position.
Every single detail of this service was orchestrated for me by my Good, Good Father. God wanted me to know that He is the God who sees me. He is the God who is for me. He had my undivided attention during the entire service. I was able to be present with the Lord. I could abide and dwell with Him in a way that wouldn’t have been possible in any other way. The service was incredibly intimate in more than one way. It was intimate to me.
Before I could prove to God that I would be a good servant or daughter, He chose me to be His. Long before God saw me or named me Lexie, He chose to believe I would carry His name well. The night prior to this event, I was reading a specific question. What new name is God calling you to live out of? I felt the answer to this question was answered in this divine moment.
On this day, I chose to wear this ring that holds a promise that I haven’t wore in a long time. It’s significant because it really echoes my whole relationship with the Lord, and that was culminated in this moment. “I am my Beloved's and He is mine (Sol. 6:3).” He showed me that here in this place. My name is Beloved.
His Beloved.
I felt God's presence. I felt what it meant to be close to God and committed to Him so completely. God reminded me of how he is my First Love. And I was able to be so lost in Him. I was reminded of Christ and the Church and that life-union with Christ that I already have. I felt the assurance and confirmation of all these things. I saw my desire for scripture to be valued and for people to know God deeply and take His Word seriously climaxed in the vows I promised before God and the Church. Much like the vows promised on a wedding day. I knelt on this precious altar to receive the official charge into ministry.
Earlier in the rehearsal, I had a bit of reservation about it all. Can I really do this? Probably not. I can do nothing apart from God. With the Lord’s help, nothing is impossible. There was strength in that. There was a lot of assurance in hearing these vows once again, and I felt so confident this is exactly where I needed to be. The power of being handed the Word of God and vowing to defend His Word in all situations was an unbelievably powerful and humbling moment.
The Lord pour upon you the Holy Spirit for the office and work of an elder in the Free Methodist Church now committed unto you by the laying on of our hands. Amen.
Take authority to minister the Word of God. Faithfully proclaim His Word, declare His forgiveness, celebrate the sacraments, shepherd His people.
The words of Psalm 119 were being impressed upon my heart in this precious moment.
2 Blessed are those who keep his statutes
and seek him with all their heart
16 I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.
33 Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end.[b]
34 Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
35 Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
105 Your word is a lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path
The biggest moment for me was at the end. How odd, right? At the end of the service, Bishop Linda gave us a benediction. But I will never forget this benediction. I have been memorizing really specific scriptures over the last few weeks as a way of reminding myself of God’s love for me. I want to remember who He is to me and who He says that I am. This entire benediction was compiled of all these scriptures. The tears rolled down my cheeks faster than I could catch them. (Let’s be honest, I had been crying way before this moment.) This was such a surreal moment. I was seen by God. The presence of my parents would have been great. I definitely would have welcomed it. But I didn’t need their approval or their pride to be filled in this moment.
I was seen by God.
God was for me.
I am my Beloved's and He is mine.
I was filled with the presence of my good and loving Father. I was approved by my Heavenly Father. He was so incredibly proud of me. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else could change that moment. I would never forget this.
Lexie…the one seen by God.
I drove home, tears flowing in the dark. It was a really rough drive. But I felt like the mother of Jesus in this moment (Luke 2:19). I just treasured all of these things in my heart and just admired the effort My Father went into every single detail. Now everyone who watched and participated in this service probably just thought it was another momentous event. But me—this was a life changing, transforming moment--that was special and unique to me. It was the moment I felt God set me apart. I didn't feel set aside. For He is the One who sees me.
"You're not set aside, you're set apart." Lysa TerKeurst
El Roi—God who sees me.
Now in every possible way, it makes sense to end it right here. We could just wipe our tears away and move on. But there is one more pivotal detail I have to mention that just climaxes this weekend. Something only God could do in His infinite power and wisdom. I had no idea how to celebrate this weekend because a lot of the plans I had made prior had to be put on pause. That's a pretty accurate statement given the position of 2020. However, I’ve been trying to be better about showing up for myself and celebrating myself. Celebrating myself is not easy for me. Just ask a few of my friends. I chose to go to Olive Garden and use this gift card I received for my birthday. I was filled with much joyful anticipation about this entire thing. It made me feel anxious and excited at the same time.
I think that is the contrast with the statement joyful anticipation. I have realized that many times as I pursue this intention for this next year. I enjoyed this moment, every bit of it. Then the waitress came to bring me the to go boxes, and she just stood there for awhile. I thought it was strange. As I looked up at her and made eye contact, I looked at her with curiosity. I think she knew what I was hinting at. She looked at me and said, “Your entire bill has been covered for this evening.” In shock, I responded, ”Oh, really? What do you mean? Who did this?” She, of course, told me she was unable to tell me. After I grabbed my things, and overcame the ultimate shock of the whole thing, I found a lot of joy. Not joyful anticipation. Rather, joyful realization.
I couldn’t help but cry and laugh in the same moment. Anyone else had that experience? I’m sure you experience that on your wedding day and when you hold your first child for the first time. Both things I hold very little experience with. I just knew.
El Roi—The God Who sees me.
He was the God who sees me, my Father, fully present with me as my family during the service the night prior. He was also the date and Father with me providing me with a meal, showing me His pride through paying for my meal and celebrating me in only a way that God could. He doesn’t hold back or let us down. And oh how very good He is to us! He takes pride in us. He delights over us with singing. He is pleased with us. He sees us.
El Roi, the God who sees me.
